Coaching with Dolly

I was flicking through the sleeve notes for Dolly Parton’s latest album as a passenger on a long drive to York recently when I was reminded of a recent conversation with a new coaching client.

My client’s goal is to develop a new area of business in which to apply the skills that she has. It will take her into new arenas and require her to know and value what she brings. 

One of the hard things in moving into a new business is to know what prospective customers want. And to act on that without distorting or diminishing what you offer. Dolly’s approach is to show “all the colours of my life” in all the areas of music that she embraces. She’s proud of her repertoire and range. And as we ‘market’ ourselves, we should be similarly proud.

My client said she wanted to know what I had learnt from developing a coaching business. As a coach, this request sits uneasily with me. My way is unlikely to be her way. But can I share what I have learnt? Dolly helps with this: “I don’t like to give advice. I like to give people information because everyone’s life is different, and everyone’s journey is different.” So what information do I have about what has worked for me?

·        Show your true colours: showing yourself as you are rather than as you think your clients will want you to be. That way you get the right clients on the right basis.  

·        Be prepared to put some people off:  some people don’t like country music (in fact I’m not a big fan, but Dolly is special). This is the price of showing who you are. But it leads to a better fit.

·        Adopt the reputation you want to create: coaches and others struggle to communicate what they are about. So what would you most like your clients to say about you? What do you want to make true? Dolly says: “Find out who you are and do it on purpose”.

·        Don’t sound like everyone else: coach profiles on Linkedin or individual websites seem inter-changeable to me. They use the same words, make the same claims, have the same feel. There’s nothing wrong with them. They’re just not very interesting. I suspect this is also true for businesses other than coaching. Use fresh words. Be different, provocative.

·         Be bold in what you call yourself: this is part of not sounding like everyone else. I don’t pretend to have cracked this. But I like it when I find a “business story-teller” rather than a “communications consultant”, or a “provocative listener” rather than a coach.

Find your voice through many iterations: it is hard to be interesting, to show yourself in a compelling way, to find the reputation you want. So experiment, talk to people, notice how you explain yourself, listen to what they say to you, try drafts on clients and colleagues, imagine you’re speaking to a bright 4

·         year old who is about to become bored, repeat and revisit.

·         Network with a purpose that fits your values: I struggled with business-to-business networking events. And I felt uncomfortable schmoozing corporate gate-keepers and influential past clients. That was until I got interested in them. Once I started going with a spirit of inquiry, with the goal of discovery, then I relaxed. No hard sell, just conversation. And that meant they saw me as I coach. And that brings the right business.

·         Be clear about your business model: you can go solo, collaborate, form a partnership, be an associate, build an empire. Which do you want? That guides the work you do and what you say about yourself.

·         Decide on niche or range: few coaches make a living just from coaching. And some, like me, find synergy from teaching and facilitating on the leadership issues that many coaching clients bring. What’s your offer?

·         Do work that excites you, turn the other stuff down: this takes some courage, especially when you’re starting out or if times are hard. But your best work is your best marketing. And your best work requires you to be excited and engaged. Saying what you will and won’t do shows clarity and integrity. 

·         Invest in yourself: or as Dolly observes: “It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.”

 

In many ways, all this is the business case for authenticity. You owe it to your clients: they know what they’re getting. And you owe it to yourself. In the words of Janis Joplin: “Don’t compromise yourself honey, you’re all you’ve got.” Or in Dolly’s inimitable style: “I’m comfortable in my own skin, no matter how far it’s stretched.”

Coaching? You cannot be serious!

Yesterday I attended Carole Pemberton’s excellent coaching masterclass on resilience and, a few weeks ago, the launch of a new book curated by Liz Hall on Coaching in Times of Crisis and Transformation. On both occasions I have had fascinating conversations about the place of humour in coaching, particularly when a client is emotionally in a really difficult place.

We know about the dark humour shared by professionals who deal daily with people in trauma. A group I worked with on a leadership programme were in the front line of supporting victims of rape and sexual assault. When I respectfully asked what that was like, I was told “oh, we have a real laugh” but they implied no disrespect for the victims or their experience.

After my mother died quite suddenly, I recognised the jokes that my brothers and I shared as we cleared her house were part of the grieving process. After all, what else can you do but laugh when you discover that someone had 15 shoe-horns and a stash of plastic gifts from ancient Christmas Crackers.

It strikes me that part of resilience is over-coming the darkness of a situation, of finding some light in it. It’s a part of gaining perspective. And that is one of the things that coaches must help their clients find in all situations. It does not diminish the difficulty our clients face, but it does help the burden feel lighter. This echoes Jenny Campbell’s findings about the internal resources of resilient leaders.

Now, as Jimmy Tarbuck once said, in humour, timing is everything. Clients need their crisis or trauma to be recognised, they need to be heard. Responding with a guffaw to a heart-felt tale of woe would quickly lead to a reputation as the Frankie Boyle of the coaching world. And humour is not only antidote to darkness or negativity, it can carry some of the emotional response in being wry or wistful or acerbic. So we need to listen carefully to it, it’s not just catharsis.

As I coach, I am respectful and am often serious. I empathise with the depth of challenge that some clients experience. But like my favourite coaches, I am also playful, iconoclastic and robust. So if I am going to be fully present with my client, and help them to bring all their resources to any challenge, then that playful self also needs to turn up.

Being fully present shows that I am ok sitting with a client in crisis. That helps them find hope and move towards a mental state that is flexible and able to work with the possible. It’s the third state between rigidity and chaos that Paul Brown and Helen Leeder Barker write about in Liz Hall’s book and it’s a state which allows a focus on the future.

So, as coaches we need to hold ourselves lightly: balance our wisdom and commitment with childishness. And if someone asks what happens in coaching, talk about it as a place not only of serious endeavour and safety but also as a place of playfulness and perspective.

The Mystery of Coaching Mastery

This is something that I have been wondering about and working on for some time: what is it that makes a top level coach? If that question interests you too, please have a look at my article in the latest edition of The Listener which you can find at http://www.kensmithcoaching.co.uk/page10.htm I'd love to hear what you think.

Coaching - a curious conversation

 

I read an interesting article today in the July edition of the Association for Coaching’s magazine. The editor interviews Aboodi Shabi and draws out his views on whether coaches should get involved in the big issues of the day. Aboodi gives a resounding “yes” and adds that we must bring our curiosity in order to understand how others see the world differently to how we do. He adds that in

a world of loneliness, coaching has a spiritual function. We can help people be more public about their sadness and their fury. And help leaders find what they are committed to beyond themselves and stand up for their values. All worthwhile. But I believe there is also wider value in how we do what we do.

At the heart of our practice is a commitment to speak the truth as we see it. We give direct feedback

with generosity, courage and good intent. We use our intuition but check what it tells us. And above all, we are curious about the other’s world, its internal logic, and the key stories that fuel it. And we look to join our clients in deeply understanding that world without judging it.

It is not for us to tell our clients whether they should engage with the world, or which of the big issues demand their attention. Indeed, the whole idea of us having goals for our clients is fraught with difficulty if they are to drive the agenda of our work with them. But I want my clients to become more self-correcting. I want them to become more self-regulating. I want them not to need me. And to do that, they need to understand themselves and something of how I work with them.

Now what would happen if they took that one step further? What if they got the habit of telling the truth to others so it could be heard? What if they combined intuition with logic to create insights? What if their approach to others who think, live, and believe differently were one of curiosity not judgement? And if we all conducted our business and pursued our politics in that way, how would the world be different?

I’m running a workshop in a few weeks with a group of senior Whitehall civil servants. We’re going to work on listening as a core leadership skill. I wonder what we’ll see if they bring listening to the core of how government works. And the Labour Party will soon chose a new leader. The contenders have different qualities and different views on what the country and the Labour Party needs. And that will surely weigh as members of the Labour Party decide who deserves their vote. But what would it signal if they chose the one who showed the greatest curiosity, the best listening skills, and the ability, authentically, to tell the truth as they saw it?

Grounded optimism, pragmatic pessimism

I read a blog-post today extolling the power of adopting a positive attitude and I felt my hackles begin to rise. That simple switch seems to be the panacea for every ill, no matter how challenging.

At its worst, the emphasis on ‘attitude’ dangerously misrepresents our relation to the world, implying that our attitude creates events and determines outcomes.

It's not that simple.

It’s not that a positive attitude is unhelpful. Indeed, I find that many of my coaching clients underestimate their power and their ability to control or influence a situation that challenges them. So often I find myself helping them find clarity and perspective simply by asking “what do you want?” and “how might you get it?” 

As coaches, we often challenge our clients’ assumptions about their power. We also help them recognise that the attitude they take to a challenge is a choice. And that choice either opens up or closes down options for action. All part of the coach’s armory.

But our armory also needs a model of power rooted in the reality of organisational life – whatever the type of organisation our clients operate within. Individuals have power but it is not unlimited. And success in meeting a challenge is not just a matter of attitude: it often takes hard realism, analysis and planning. We can borrow from best practice in organisational change where strategic analysis, option appraisal and risk management are all part of the kit bag. And so they should be when the change is personal or interpersonal, even if we don't use those dry labels.

Good analytic tools complement the resourcefulness that comes from a positive mind-set. Indeed, they ground that optimism, make it real and enable the client to have a hard look at their emotional state and readiness for action. They also show how it’s not your negative or positive mind-set that brings greater control, it’s more your orientation towards action.

Passive optimism is often delusional. Passive pessimism brings swift defeat. Both active optimism and active pessimism have strengths. With clients, I challenge the first to bring rigour to their thinking. And challenge the second to promote openness and creativity in finding solutions to the risks they see. 

So if you are facing a challenge at work, by all means adopt a positive attitude. But more important than that: get real, get serious and, when you’re ready, get moving.